I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
