Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
