i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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