yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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