My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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