I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
