On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
...so i touched it.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
