Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
