I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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