Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
