hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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