Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
