I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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