so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
