she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
