im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
