I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
