Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
