I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Its about making memories worth repressing
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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