The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
sarcasm needs its own font
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
