I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
