I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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