Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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