So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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