Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize