She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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