So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
