So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
