I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
My bed is full of blood and feathers
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
