you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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