apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize