it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Vodka?
Forever.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
