he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
