is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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