i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
