please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize