did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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