i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
