It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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