Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
