you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
