I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize