please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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