i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
