So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
