Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
