My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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