They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
