FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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