I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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