You just made me feel so damn special
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I have fence marks all over my body
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
