Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
