I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
her vagine was all disorganized.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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