I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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