Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
