I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Send help, water and tortillas.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
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