Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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