My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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