that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
