I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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