What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
